In a phrase, I was pleasantly surprised. Of course, I can’t bring myself to lapse into restaurant critic-ese. (Note to self: write post making fun of restaurant critics; involve copious amounts of adverb/adjective combinations such as “obtusely nutty” or “amicably peppered.”) Instead of a review, I feel like simply applauding Mad Donna’s for solving some nacho problems for me. And I have been keeping a mental list for yeeeeears, having trudged through a lot of pickled jalepenos and processed cheese-skin to deliver that list to you today:

It’s Nacho Problem #1: Chip Sogginess
You get your ‘chos. And they’re gorgeous. They’re hot, gooey, crispy, a dream. Twenty minutes (and 1.2 pounds of “chilito” sauce later), you’re face-to-face with a bunch of soggy chips, once-crispy soldiers who were worn down by the enemy fire of excess tomato juice or perhaps met death helplessly in a steamy grave.

Mad Donna’s solution? Pita chips! Duh! Thicker and crispier, they’re the Ivan Drago of the snack world (“I must break you!”). Twenty minutes in, we were still happily crunching, with the added bonus of remembering our favorite Dolph Lundren films (okay, film).

It’s Nacho Problem #2: Really gummy cheese vs. Not-real-at-all cheese
There’s a bit of suspense when ordering nachos from the new joint in town. What has influenced your nacho maker’s philosophy when it comes to the all-important element of cheese? Do you go melty with the fake cheese and deliciously poison your guests’ G.I. tracts, or do you go au naturale with the real deal and leave your guests sorting through assorted rubbery cheese globules once the nachos cool off a bit?

In a nacho breakthrough, Mad Donna’s decided to use both, which means that they didn’t have to use as much of each. Fewer globules now, less death later. A textbook win-win.

It’s Nacho Problem #3: Pruh-dictible ingredients
Clearly, I’m from the school of thought that believes that nachos are about form, not content. In other words, I’m fine with the traditional nacho ingredients if they’re executed well. But let’s demonstrate a bit of creativity when it comes to what we top our nachos with, shall we? Black beans, chili and jalepenos do not delicious nachos make.

That’s why I salute Mad Donna’s use of shredded adobo chicken and roasted corn and red pepper salsa as unexpected little accents to the more staid choices of black beans, red onions and sour cream (and I will seriously hurt you bad, in the face, if you leave off sour cream).

It’s Nacho Problem #4: Orphaned chips
Even if you manage to find a plate of well topped, pleasantly cheesed, crispy nachos, you’ve still got to deal with the issue of balance. After all, even the most beautiful nacho toppings in the world CANNOT DISGUISE THAT WHOLE WAD OF UNTOPPED CHIPS LURKING UNDERNEATH. Seriously, dude, not cool.

But I empathize. You want to deliver a massive plate of nachos, and you want to pile it up to my chin. I salute this desire. But as long as you’re piling up the goodness on a round plate, you’re probably going to fail. Mad Donna’s opted for the oval plate and increased the surface-area-to-chip ratio, thereby allowing for a sufficiently grotesque amount of nachos to be served, each with a reasonable amount of topping.

It’s Nacho Problem #5: Indigestion
If Thursday is going to be Nacho Day, Friday is going to be stay-home-from-work-and-want-to-throw-up-for-most-of-the-day day. This problem was, ahem, not solved. Still, though. Four for five. Not bad.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch whatever adorably ornery thing Jeffrey is about to say.